Vipassana 10 day Silent Solitude Meditation Journey.
“So what, you just sit in silence for 10 days trying to be brain dead? Why would anyone want to do that, what about your business?“
For respect to the family member, I will not quote the relation. But this is just one reason I sit in Vipassana…
I can’t blame, and nor should I, because I too witness parts of me that project and judge, parts of me that are longing to be integrated. Our nervous system develops its filter of reality mostly within the first 7 years of being on this earth, which I wouldn’t claim as an ideal source for Truth now at 32 years old. This is where the practice of Vipassana comes in and cleans our lens.. To gift an experience that creates enough space and quietness to truly see beyond the constructs of ‘who we think we are’ and be witness to the inner dynamics, giving us an opportunity to free ourselves from, well, ourselves!
Vipassana comes to you as a stern Guru, the type that at first has your ego questioning their authority and to see their credentials. But through the process, what unfolds brings forth an honouring and respect for this Guru deeply desires to cut through your bullshit and liberate you from your own predicaments. It holds the mirror up with a sense of seriousness, showing you in what ways you are not free, how the mind lures you down a dark alley of emotions so swiftly that all of a sudden you’re full submerged, not so longer afterwards you’re narrating to yourself how nice it is being in a moment of quietness, only to realise that it is still the mind talking away to itself and emotions reacting in one way or another.. You get so close and personal with the nonsensical looping, with judgemental preference on everything and anything, this is our mind's attempt to contort our human experience into something that it can try to understand, name, label and narrate constantly through its filtration system.
The practice asks you to surrender… ‘Can you observe all of this as it is, from a place of not needing to change or alter, push or cling, to experience every aspect of being here now all whilst coming to the understanding, the embodiment more so, that who and what you truly are is far beyond any of these storylines, behaviours and perceptions you have of yourself or the world, the coming and going thoughts, the ever changing emotions, desires, likes or dislikes..’
Part l: And so it began…I removed the mirrors, packed away my laptop and phone.
A new chapter of life had only begun a week prior, being here in Sacred Valley Peru nestled between these sturdy mountains, now by myself. There was a lot already happening within my nervous system, attempting to adjust to the shifts that were unfolding from life's nudges.
I questioned myself, was this the right time to be going in so deep? What am I going to be met with? The more dominant intuition from within assured me, ‘you are right where you are meant to be.’ At many points throughout those 10 days of silent solitude I felt the resistance to that guidance.. ‘Am I really meant to be sitting here in silence, eating in silence, feeling alone, questioning all of this, I could be doing many other things with my time’ and in stillness of bed time it would begin again, ‘you’re going to be doing this for another 7 days, oh God’
Alongside the mind's comments of uncomfortability mainly on the first few days, I was also given a clear understanding why I had conjured up this self-led venture… I knew it was time to show up for myself in this way, it was time to do a big clean up, to create the necessary space for more Truth to come through a cleared channel of receptivity, not jumbled by external stimuli or interference. This was a rewiring of my nervous system that desperately wanted lovingly-direct guidance and to step away from the ‘life’ that we get so entangled within.
These first couple of days was simply nurturing myself through a relearning process, that silence, stillness and being in this moment now is safe, infact, the most tangible concept is just in this moment, moment to moment.. Everything else is a perception of a memory or a future imaginary idea, so why is it so uncomfortable sitting here? My mind was squirming under the instructions to concentrate on not wandering away into somewhere more fond or familiar, which I noticed was broken down into around 5 main categories:
The relationship with my mum
The relationship with my husband
Food (mammalian brain coming through there)
Imaginary conversations of either changing past conversations or something I would want to discuss or share in the future, many of the conversations weren’t actually likely to be had, yet I am having them in my head..
Future based anxiety
These were all attempts of resistance and to keep alive the storylines of the egoic identity and known structure.
Part ll: Wasn’t expecting that..
The other major category that began to unveil as the days continued was what I would call ‘downloads’ ‘creative urges’ and ‘insight dumps’ it’s as though clearing out space in my psyche allowed an overwhelming amount of business ideas, retreat curation visions, epiphanies of the intelligence of life, of myself, realisations in the realm of energetics, it was as though all of this information was being funneled into my awareness.
Only a couple days into the sittings I also began to experience a very unique phenomena of memory flashbacks, this had previously happened in other Vipassana and silent retreats, but this time it was almost astonishing.. If anyone reading this has insight on how the subconscious works in relation to extended moments of silence / meditation I would love to be enlightened from your knowledge. How I feel is that extended periods of reduced stimulation allows our subconscious to process the data (most of it felt very irrelevant, might I add) from our lived experience so it can do its own cleaning up and sorting out.. It was on average around 50 flashbacks each day, including memories of dreams, dreams from long ago, that had not been thought of since, snap shots from moments in time, like time stamps, but not of large significance from an emotional or consciously impactful standpoint. This was very fascinating to experience, and now that I am out of lengthy hours of daily meditations these flashbacks have subsided.
What about the body?
To my surprise, this was much more manageable compared to past experiences. Although this time around I did take a slightly different approach, I had an amazingly comfortable, well design stool (kneeling position) rather than sitting in a cross legged position, which I did for 1 of the sittings each day to explore this, but I didn’t feel it was necessary more than this. My current approach is to have much more compassion for the body rather than being ‘strict’ on it. Sitting in meditation for 6.5 hours a day in solitude felt disciplined enough…
These 10 days takes you on a magnificent journey into your physical and energetic sensations, you come across refined layers and it opens the door for vivid sensations to surface (these are known as samskaras*). There is an infinite world of sensation and experience happening in our bodies at all times and your conscious awareness is a tool that can hone in and zoom out. These 10 days could be seen as a bootcamp that gives your consciousness an intense ‘work out’ by mastering the ability to focus and feel, through the downregulation of internal and external stimuli.
* In Hindu Philosophy samskaras are the subtle mental impressions left by all thoughts, emotions, intentions and actions that an individual has ever experienced, yet not necessarily aware of. These recollections are withheld as an energetic imprint in our body and psyche.
What I did come to acknowledge is how wonky the body felt whilst being in this symmetric position. I have scoliosis, slightly twisted hips and a few bits and pieces (like most of us) and gosh did it feel apparent! There were definitely aches and subtle injuries that were impossible to ignore, so I didn't. I had them there, felt them, gave them respect and practised having non-attachment to their sensations, neither good nor bad, no need to judge them or fall into their stories.
As the days progressed and the technique evolved into greater subtleties, I was able to experience my body and my emotions in a way that provided a world of insight. Tracing from what part of my vertebrae linked to the tightness in my temples, to being able to feel what emotions were held where. Shame in my ovaries, unsafety in my collarbone.. What was so wonderful about this discovery is that I could work with my body and my subconscious to change the story and history it was holding. I repeated phrases, connecting the emotion to the phrases, at first there was resistance, I could notice which beliefs and feelings were engrained. But with patience there was a shift, the phrases I repeated began to ring as truth in the body, they were being received. I have worked with NLP, kinesiology and services that rewire the subconscious, so being able to get up and personal through my own subconscious system was a new experience for me.
Part lll: The fluctuations
Such powerful lessons on allowing life to be as it is, without comparison, judgement, expectation.
Each sitting is different... We seem to have this underlying need and desire for consistency, for a sense of control and knowing. We can override this by seeing it for what it is, it is then that we have the opportunity to take a step back and simply allow all to be, without preference or preconceived expectations, no need to change anything.. Instead, welcome it unconditionally.
This is what truly sets us free, ungoverned by all these expectations or what we want or don't want means we have the opportunity to become sovereign, consciously led beings. Let's say we are ever-affected by the state of affairs coming from external situations or internal reactions, then we are in a constant state of flux, we have given ourselves away, we are no longer in control.. Paradoxically, it is the surrendering to not being in control that gives us back our power.
In saying all this, it is the falls that teach us the most (how else do we learn to ride the bike, right?) Somewhere around day 5-6 I was hit with a wildly busy mind, looping thoughts on the unknowns of the future. I saw it happening but it dragged me in anyway. Getting lost in the identification of the story and the density of the emotions attached to it really hooked me a good one.. It actually became so intense that I had to call in the big guy, God, to ask for help. To my surprise (not a surprise anymore with the amount of coincidences that interplay in the world of energy and magic) I finished my sobbing and decided to call quits on that sitting, checking the time.. 1:11pm. A smile was found on my face and immediately lightened my inner state.
Part IV: There is a method to the madness.
By day 7 you are starting to see the glimmers of your dedication. The sittings begin to take on a new shape as the techniques shift, your minds beginning to grow fond of less stimulation, actually enjoying the stillness, your system settles into this new experience of not needing to run away. You begin to consider ‘maybe I should just keep going?’ There’s a lightness in your energy field, as though a cleaner has come and dusted off your shoulders, tidied your inner rooms (especially in the corners and under the bed) and there’s a softness in your step.
Like a freshly tuned piano, all your senses have become much more refined. Your hearing, taste, touch, smell and sight has resensitised itself to a subtler frequency, there is more texture to your experience. The afternoon walks had me in complete awe. The magnificence of Creation, of this world, the whole spectrum of civilization feels almost too remarkable to be real (is it all just an illusion?.....)
Don’t get me wrong, the mind still wanders in the sittings, the habitual want for stimulation and distraction still exists, but it has much less of a hold.. It is carrying less weight. The major evolution on those last 2 days was realising my self-curated itinerary might actually be hindering me, it felt constricting and limited (classic Manifestor Human Design profile) and I thought to myself, as long as I am doing the 6.5 hours of sitting per day, let it be fluid! So I turned off the timer and allowed the day to unfold on its own aside from still waking up at 5:30am. I discovered I could sit far longer and go far deeper than the 1-2 hour sittings, I found myself adding in nearly 3 hour long sittings, no pain, and touching a place of dissolution that hadn’t been accessible in previous days.
It felt quite foreign coming out of these sessions, the concept of life seemed somewhat irrelevant, the concept of me definitely seemed unnecessary and a little bizarre. Imagine pressing a reset button on your identity structure and it turned off all the conditioning, the limitations, the importance of the narratives, the things we over-care about, the relationships.. Craving anything aside from peace and presence seemed to have fallen away.. Still floating around, but not actually attached to you. What comes up for you when you hear and feel into that idea? Is there a resistance? Excitement? Perhaps a question to ask: Do you actually want to give those things up? We think we do, but it is so familiar, it allows us to have this false safety within the concept of ourselves and this physical reality.. There is a push and pull between this want for freedom and the comfortability of who we ‘think’ we are.
Part V: Completion day
Leading up to completion can have its own difficulties.. The resistance of coming back to what my mother would call ‘the real world’. This is where we muster up what's been practised from the teachings of Vipassana, not to cling or avoid to one's experience. True mastery is the transmutation of the practice into your daily life, into your choices, words, actions, thoughts and outlooks, relationships, how you interact with the layers of being a cosmic soul dressed in a human body.
I’m not going to lie.. There have been challenges, I’ve struggled in the background for quite some time (some periods more intense than others) very much inflated by being a ‘highly sensitive person’ and with my emotions playing the role of Project Manager, directing my experience of life a lot of the time. But the practice of Vipassana isn’t to remove or alter your emotions or thoughts, it is to simply create enough space and come to terms that they are not you, you are the experiencer of your senses, you are receiving data through the filtration system of your body, mind and stimuli from the outside world, brought in and sifted through your nervous system and subconscious.. Thankfully, all of this is not you. You are the one beyond the experience, you are the Consciousness that is timeless, neutral, simply observing.. Observing the fluctuations, the chaos, the joy, the sensations of being a human, and you are most definitely not the untamed wild horse (our mind) it is just our internal computer that receives and shares its perceptually informed data and gives instructions to the physical body. It is our tool (a marvellously powerful one at that) but not something to be defined by…
This is Vipassana. It’s taming the wild horse so we get a chance to know who we truly are… Even if it doesn’t stick around all that long, the taste of Truth is something that can’t be forgotten. It speaks of a ‘remembering’ to us, a whisper to the soul not to lose its way in this dense physical reality…
The last day was a celebration.
I picked wild flowers from around the forest, cleansed in the waterfall and sat in ceremony with my favourite guide, cacao. This was one of the most profound experiences to date (that didn’t involve psychedelics or other altered-state practices such as breathwork) directly through meditation and working with the heart-led intelligence of cacao I went in deep, for hours. I found myself engulfed in such peace, such stillness, this place of bliss that almost felt too far of a frequency jump and a little disorientating for my system.. Literally high on life, I lay on the grass and indulged. The smoothness of my breath, the loving kisses of warmth from the sun cascading over me, I basked in complete contentment on the grass. In that moment, there could be nothing else I could possibly want from my life, the gift of breathing, of being in this body, was it for me. Feeling very at ease, I made a 40 minute video rambling on with insights whilst in this state. Not yet ready to get off flight mode, I allowed myself to relish in all the feelings, knowing full well that they will not last, but they will not fully fade either, that there is a lasting impact beyond what I can intellectually hold.
The level of inspiration, creative ideas, loving expression, there was so much with me as I pondered my next stages of life… What could possibly be ahead in the journey is completely to my own creation, how exciting?! I get the opportunity to choose what makes me happy, how I can serve the world positively and to have freedom to enjoy myself in all of this (yes, to enjoy the whole spectrum of being a human) It’s an expansive realisation, acknowledging the power in which you are the Creator of your world and your perception.
Part VI: Integration
The following days I gradually made my way off the peak and ever so gently reopened communication with my loved ones, friends, family, pottered around a little on the devices and re-attended to some work (thanking my dear husband Ray for holding the fort), thankfully through my lessons of ‘what not to do’ from last years Vipassana I was very considered and soft with the approach. It’s been over a month now and I would say the integration process has altered the way in which I choose to live moving forward, completely.
I have always pushed myself beyond what is right for me and my own mechanics, governed by my self-made ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ which led to severe unalignment and distrust to my truths. A tendency to be hard on myself with high expectations, comparison to others and simply stuck in old programming, and lastly..The constant perceived pressure of ‘time’. The slowing down and peeling back of what does not serve my highest peace (which has been many years in the making to get to this point) has gracefully shifted some outdated behaviours and beliefs that’s been longing to resolve, where I am now actually feeling most achieved from doing the opposite of ‘achieving’ or be anything other than myself, pure to my core.. De-conditioning the underlying anxiousness of never feeling I’ve done enough (or being worthy enough) living with multiple to-do lists and 15 tabs open about ‘self work’ and ‘spiritual practise’.. It’s truly starting to land that the most successful ‘self work’ actually involves no work but instead to play, that the most ‘spiritual’ thing we can do is sometimes nothing in particular but to ‘be’ exactly as we Truly are, no chasing, no striving to be anything other than internally free.
#1 priority has now shifted to ‘how can I allow in more joy and inner freedom through my choices, actions, thoughts and my heart?’ This has to be the biggest gift from all of this because now I really do know I have the power to choose, and to challenge past belief systems whilst not feeding anything that doesn’t support my true intentions, which are:
1) To welcome all aspects of the human experience, unconditionally.. As it is all a great teacher to guiding us back to remembering our Wholeness
2) To expand into new layers of authenticity and Self expression.
3) To do good for the world through being led by my heart, not my head.
And look, there have been moments of questioning it all, noticing the doubt of these ‘all-knowing’ moments. I did fall off the horse temporarily, understandable when shifting frequency, there are adjustments happening on all levels.. But I can safely say that life is not the same after these types of experiences and the highest priority is to nurture the integration like it’s a new born baby, with patience and persistence to choose Self-love every time. (read my ‘Integration’ blog here https://www.zensiretreat.com.au/blog/integration )
There is nothing I could want more than to help others on their enlightenment path, even if it’s just to get a touch so they know what is Truth for them too, this would make a very happy soul. Through these self-induced journeys I have picked up much insight and ideas, I have been the trial and error on myself in many different containers.. I believe traditional Vipassana is profound and its process to be respected and honoured, yet I have found that for the modern day human, through some slight alterations, tweaks and some new age science based sprinkles, it can actually support and integrate into modern life much more effectively.
If you are inspired by these words and intrigued to go into a Vipassana-styled experience yourself, please do share your interest. Zensi Retreat will be offering these journeys in the future pipeline and it would be an honour to sit with you and be a part of your own Self-actualisation. Any questions, thoughts or comments you have please do share with me, I would absolutely love to receive.
And to finish off as a disclaimer: I do not have the answers to life, everyone's journey and dharma in this lifetime has their own unique blueprint and is perfect for you.. I am not here to advise or put myself above anyone else, especially in the journey of coming back into our true essence as a spiritual being having this unique human experience. There is no right or wrong way, but there is a way that is true for us all and it is knowing we are all One and are all Universal Creations.
I hope you have enjoyed reading through this personal share and that it inspires you in some way in your own, precious life.
Namaste,
Ruby